When This Is Over

I looked up at the sky as the rain falling to the ground. My mind drifted to the person once I shared it with. The person who’s going to leave me soon. The person that I fell in love with.

It’s like everybody left me these days. I wondered was it me the problem. Was I too clingy so people could not stay long around me? Was I too needy they felt sick because of me?

But I know I wasn’t the problem with him. He needed to leave. I understood his decision. I did.

I had sworn to myself that I would not fall in love with anyone. It didn’t worth it. The pain would crush me if not kill me. And I could not afford being thrown in to the same pit as I did before. But then he came. He turned my world upside down. He was sincere, he was sweet, he was beautiful how could I not fall in love with such a creature?

So I did.

At first, I told myself that this was a pretend, that none of this was real, I could come out of this without even a scratch. That was just some excuse my heart made to shut my brain up—my brain, the rational one—that was shouting warnings at me.  But even then he was able to shut that little rational part left of me. Didn’t I told you he turned my world upside down?

I remembered everything; how he made me laugh when I didn’t even want to smile, those silly fights we had and the made up and the made out that followed, how he called me beautiful even when I felt like a shit, how he accepted me the way I was, how he loved me when I didn’t even love myself.

I used to think that I was worthless. I didn’t deserve to be loved. I didn’t deserve to be happy. Then he came. He was just as insecure as I was. But with him I learned how to love myself, how to embrace the goods and the bads. He made me feel loved, he made me feel special. And I loved to know that I did the same to him. Together we changed each other to the better. We brought the best out of each other. We fit like two broken pieces; stronger when we were together, breaking when we were apart.

I wanted to make him laugh for the rest of the time, I wanted to hug him, tell him  I love him for the eternity but relationship had its expired date, and ours had finally came. The deadline’s hanging in the air, so close to reach, so far from being ready.

When you started a relationship, it’s shorta kinda becoming your habit. You couldn’t go to sleep before you get a goodnight text from him. Your day wouldn’t start before he said good morning. You were so used to his presence everyday, the affection was just getting stronger. And when it was all over, it was hurt. Because you can’t change your habit in an instant. They used to be everywhere but then they were nowhere. They’re gone. The thing you used to do stopped and what’s left? It’s hard to change a habit.

Suddenly, an intro from a song on the radio caught my attention. It was the song I’d been played a lot lately, the lyrics held a magnificent mean that just described how I felt about him. What I wished for him. So I turned up the volume, and I sang along.

I know he didn’t like music, but I hope he heard me right now, wherever he was, whatever he was doing, I hope my tremble voice reached him, and he knew how much I cared about him. He could feel me, he said once, I hope he felt me now.

Rascal Flatts- My Wish

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

I was sobbing by the end of the song, and my heart just ached so bad. They said time would heal the pain but what I wanted right now was just to yank my heart out and replace it with a new one. Anything, to free me from this  pain.

I wanted to call him, but I knew it wouldn’t change a thing. He was probably busy now, and I didn’t want to disturb him and bring all my pain to him. He didn’t deserve to be hurt.

So I took my pen, and started to write a poem for him. Because sometimes, writing sounds louder than speaking.

When this is over

I hope you’ll remember

How better we were together

Put it in a frame that will last forever

When this is over

I hope you’ll remember

How you used to call me boo

And how much I love you

When this is over

I hope you’ll keep me in your heart

Even though we’re so far apart

When this is over

And you look up at the sky

I hope you’ll remember me by

Put a smile on your face

Knowing I will follow your pace

And I wish you the best in life

When this is over

You know I’ll keep you close to my heart

You’ve came into my life and became its best part

I’ll put a bookmark in our chapter

So I can always remember

All the love and the laughter

Dear Sam

This is my goodbye 

But I’ll wait you for our next “Hi”