I
watched as James tucked our baby girl into her bed, she rolled over and hugged
her pillow as soon as James put her down, he then covered her little body with
blanket and kissed her forehead goodnight. He saw me watching from the door, he
turned off the lamp on the night stand and walked toward me.
“Finally.”
He said as stretching out his body, his bones popped as if voicing their thank
yous. “I’m getting too old for this.”
I
smiled and tip toed to kiss his cheek. “Don’t we all?”
Jacellyn,
our little girl was being very hyperactive today. Tomorrow’s going to be her
first day of school, and I knew she was nervous or too excited about it. She
made James chased her down around the house, she was hiding in six different
places before James reached his limit, and doing his best daddy voice to send
her to bed, even after that she still too pumped up. But finally after three
bed stories and one hoarse voice, our angel was now off to la la land.
James
looked down at the 6-months-old bump on my stomach, running his hand gently.
“And it’s going to be harder when this one comes out.”
I
pulled her gaze to meet mine, “we’ll figure it out.”
He
smiled, “we will.” Then leaned on to kiss me.
“Well now that we’re alone . . . “ He let his voice trailed off when we
broke the kiss.
I
smirked catching up on his thought, “movie date?”
“Yeah
movie date sounds good, it usually leads to a great sex.” He winked.
I
laughed and slapped his chest playfully, “I’ll make popcorn.”
“I’ll
start the movie.” He kissed me one more time before went to our bedroom, and I
went to the kitchen to make a microwave popcorn.
Couple
of minutes later I was in his arms as we watched an old romantic comedy, I was
running my hand on his chest when I caught something on my arm. The scars from
my past. The only thing I hated about my body but at the same time made me
proud. They were vague now but some still stood out, from the cut I made too
deep, especially the ones in my wrists. My girl saw it once and she asked me of
what happened to my arms. I told her it was nothing, I didn’t mean to hide it
from her, I was planning to tell her my story, she ought to know what kind of
life I had, what battle I faced, but not now, she was too young to understand.
I didn’t want to ruin her childhood with my dark past.
The
thought of it brought me back to that time, the hardest phase of my life.
Usually I’d lock the door right before the black smoke of sad memories could
get to me, but this time I let it came, I let my mind wandered to that horrible
life I had before I found James, or rather, he found me.
***
My
parents died when I was 15, on a car wreck, that was actually supposed to end
my life too. But by some miracle death decided to spare me for later, so yeah I
lived. But I wished I could’d just died with them that night. I was only 15 and
I was already parent-less, homeless, and broke. My parents didn’t have any
siblings that could take care of me, my grandparents were all dead, the only
thing my parents left me was a pile of debts I needed to pay. I sold the house,
since I couldn’t live in it anymore, at least that was what the child service
told me, and they send me to foster home, along with a little possession I had
left and money from the house, which was not much since I’d used most of it to
pay my parents' debts.
I
needed to stay in the foster home until I was 18, and could take care of
myself. The three years span, I spent bouncing to one foster parents to one
foster parents, nothing last long. I got
schooled, but that was just as suck. I got bullied because either I was a new
kid or a foster kid, sometimes both. That was when I started cutting.
I’d
tried to kill myself too many times, but I always chickened out in the middle
of it. So cutting was my way to release my pain and to feel it at the same
time. I cut because I was stressed, I cut because that was the only way I knew
to take my own shame and guilt out on myself. The pain was my only friend, the
pain was the one that had always been there for me, the pain answered to me. The pain was addicting.
Nobody
had noticed, not my foster parents, not the people at the foster home, not even
the child service people who visited me once a month. I was good at hiding it.
By the time I turned 18, and they released me and send me to the big cruel
world, it only got worse.
I
applied to college, because I knew if I want to change my life to the better I
had to have a college degree, so I could get a decent job and earn decent
money.
The
first couple of months I lived under the student loan and scholarship. But I
knew the money wouldn’t last long, I should find a job to help me pay back the
loan and pay my bill. So I took every job I could find; waitress, dog walker,
babysitter, anything that delivered money.
I was
lucky I got a cheap apartment rent, but even so the life kept getting harder,
throwing its shit on my way. Everything got more and more expensive, it was hard to keep up.
That
afternoon I was walking back to my apartment, my stomach couldn't stop crying
in hunger. I skipped breakfast and lunch that day in order to cut my budget,
and I only had ramen noddles last night. My head was spinning and the walk to
my apartment took every energy I had left. I could make it into my door before
I passed out.
I
didn’t know how long I was unconscious but when I awake I saw a guy looking
down at me. I jumped up immediately, panic. I was in my living room, I knew
that by a quick glance around. How the hell he got into my apartment? What did
he do?
That
guy stepped back raising his hands as if assure me that he meant no harm. I
stood up trying to defense myself, in case he tried to do anything but that
sudden move wasn’t the best choice. He caught me before my face could kiss the
floor, and helped me back to the couch.
“Are
you okay? I think you should lay down for a moment.”
“Who
are you?” I snapped, having a good looking guy witnessed my break down twice
sure ruining my mood, and he was really good looking, now that I paid attention
to him. His short dark brown hair was in the casual “just out of bed” way that
men worked hard at achieving but so rarely did, certainly not like him. His
hazel eyes look at me with a deep worry, and his body oh God did that body
carry me inside because if it did I’d be damned I was unconscious through it.
“I’m
James.” His voice brought me back from my stupid day dreaming about his delicious
body. “I was on my way out when I saw you fainted in front of your door, I’m
sorry I let myself in but I couldn’t just leave you, and I don’t mean to scare
you.”
“How
long was I out?”
He
checked on his watch, “about half an hour.”
“Ugh.”
Groaning, I leaned back on the couch, covering my face with both hands.
“You
okay?”
“Yeah,
super.” But of course my stomach picked that time to growled.
I
brought my hands down to my stomach hoping he didn’t hear that.
“You
hungry?”
Great,
I just kept embarrassing myself in front of this guy. I was about to say no,
when my shitty stomach growled shamefully again.
“Yes.”
I squeaked.
“What
you have here? I could cook you something.” He was walking to the kitchen.
“You
wouldn’t find anything there I didn’t—“I stopped in the middle of my sentence,
he didn’t need to know that I was broke and the only thing I’d left was only
ramen noddles, I didn’t need to embarrass myself any further. “I haven’t had
chance to grocery shopping.” I said instead.
He
pulled his phone out of his pocket, “I’ll order pizza. And you need to drink
that.” He nodded his head toward a glass of water on the table.
I
drank the water as he made his call, grateful when the cold liquid running down
my throat.
“You
sure you’re okay? You look pale.” James sat down next to me when he hung up,
and shoved his phone back to his pocket.
“I’m
good, just hungry. Hadn’t have chance to eat lunch.”
“Busy
day?”
I
just shrugged.
“You know
I still don’t know your name.”
“Oh
sorry, I’m (YN) and thank you for helping me today, I didn’t know what would
happen to me if you were not here.”
He
smiled, and boy I loved his smile. “Probably still passed out in the hallway.”
I
returned his smile in a shame.
“And
don’t mind it, I was just at right time and the right place.” He continued.
“Are
you living in this building too?”
“No,
I was just visiting a friend. I live in the apartment two blocks from here.”
He explained.
“Oh.”
“What’s
your major?” He asked eyeing my backpack that was laying on the floor close to
his feet, he must had had tossed it there when he carried me inside.
“Guess
what.”
“Well,
Judging by the books on your backpack, I would say pre-law?”
“You
rummaged through my backpack?”
“Well,
I had some times to kill when waiting for you to wake up.”
I
rolled my eyes, “still it’s not polite.”
“Why?
You hide something in there? I thought I saw a box of condom stuffed inside.”
I
punched his arm, “there is no such thing.”
He rubbed
his arm, but laughing.
“I
just don’t like someone go through my personal stuff.”
“Okay
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be a creep.” He put on his sorry face.
“Nah
it’s fine, you took care of me when I was unconscious, I didn’t mind you
snooping a little.”
He
grinned, “really? Then next time I’ll be snooping on your bedroom.”
I
smacked him again, “there’ll be no next time, silly!”
“We’ll
see.” He winked.
That
wink woke something inside my stomach, but this time it had nothing to do with
hunger.
“What
do you study?” I said, trying to get my mind off of his captivating smile.
“Business,
my dad wants me to be a business man like he is.”
“Ah,
what about you? Do you want to be a business man?”
He
leaned back, thinking. “I don’t know. I guess so, I just never really thought
about what I want to be. I have a lack of passion in life.”
I
laughed, “you’ll find your passion.”
“How
would I know when I find my passion?”
“Well,
your heart would call for it. You would pursue it, obsessed with it, it just
becoming your life.”
“What
about you? Have you found your passion? Is that why you take pre-law?”
“I
guess so, I took law because I want to be a lawyer, I heard they get paid good
bucks”
He
frowned, “you just want the money?”
“Isn’t
that what all of us want? Money, money and money?”
I
knew he could taste the bitterness in my words, he was about to say something
when the bell rang. The pizza was here, and I had never been really grateful
for an interruption before. I wasn’t ready to tell him about my miserable life.
We
talked again as we eat, and we talked some more until late at night. We were
oblivious about our surroundings when we were together, I was never this
comfortable with a new person before, and that scared me and excite me in a
strange way.
He
promised to come back again tomorrow to check on me, and he did, for weeks.
Sometimes he brought food and we eat in my apartment, and sometimes we eat
outside.
That
night we just finished our dinner, we
were laying back on my couch watching a movie, there was a moment of silence,
he took my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. I didn’t object, I loved
how our hands fit together, I loved the feel of his skin against mine. Slowly
with his other hand he turned my face to him, his eyes locked mine, we spoke
without a word. And even slower he laid down to me, eyes still on me, we didn’t
close our eyes until our lips met. That kiss was tender, sweet, we were not in
hurry, we had the whole time in the world to explore each other, to taste each
other.
That
night I realized that this stranger just became my whole life.
***
I
moved in with James a year later. We were ready to take our relationship to the
“living together” level. Being with him made my life more bearable, I stopped
seeing it as a constant torture anymore. He knew my struggle, he knew my story,
he had seen my scars, and yet he still accepted me and my rotten soul.
He
saw it the first time we had sex. You would thought the lust would get in the
way and made him forgot about what he saw, but he was just too care about me to
ignore it.
“What
the hell is this?” His eyes wide in
shock as he pulled my arms closer. “(YN) what the hell did you do?”
“It’s
nothing, James. Come on.” I tried to kiss him but he pulled away.
“No
I’m not doing this until you tell me why you did this?”
“Why?
So you can judge me?” I could tell he’s pissed, and I was pissed too. I was
half naked, breathless, and hot by his kisses, we were supposed to fuck but me
and my stupid scars ruined the moment. This was not how I wanted to look like
when I was being confronted.
“What?
I would never judge you. I just wanna know what happened to you. Baby look at
me.” He lifted my face to look at him, I could feel tears burning in my eyes
ready to fall, I hated this, I hated my scars, they made me feel weak.
James
softened his voice when he saw me about to cry. “(YN), love. What happened to
you, you know you can tell me everything right?”
“You’ll
just leave me if I told you James, you wont want me anymore.” I croaked, a tear
fell down to my cheek, followed by others.
He
pulled me into his embrace, and I cried against his chest. Here we were in his
bed, half naked, so close to have our first sex, but I ended up crying in his
arms. He didn’t say anything, he just held me and let me cry. Just when my cry
turned to sob he started speaking.
“Remember
the first time we met, we talked about passion?” He didn’t let me answer, I
wasn’t sure I could answer either, but he knew I was listening. “That time you
said I will find my passion, and when I do, my heart will call for it, that it
will become my whole life?
“You are right, (YN). I did find my passion, it has became my whole life.” He
stopped, I could feel him smiling, “well not really it, she. She has became my
whole life.” He pulled me up and made me look at him, “you have became my whole life. You are my passion. That time I found
you passed out in front of your door was the best day of my life. My heart
called for you, I’m craving for you.”
The
way he said that, the way he looked at me just made me cry even more.
“You
are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I’m not only talking about the
face, it’s not only skin deep, you have a heart of gold. Everyday (YN),
everyday you make me fall in love with you. I love you more today than
yesterday, and I will love you even more tomorrow. And if you think this . . .
” he ran his fingers along my scars, his lips frowned, his eyes full of
sorrow, as if he felt my pain, “if you think this is going to make me stop
loving you, then you’re insulting me in so many ways.”
“James
. . . I don’t mean—“ I tried to speak, but he stopped me.
“There
is nothing in this world that will stop me from loving you, not even death, not
even this, not even your darkest secret.”
And I
burst into tears again. I didn’t deserve this, I didn’t deserve him. How could
a man still love me so much after he found out about this. About how damaged I
was inside. He was supposed to be running out the door now, or since we were in
his apartment, kicking me out. He was supposed to hate me. I hate me.
“Please
tell me, share your pain with me, because I can’t live with myself knowing that
you’re hurt and I do nothing to help, to ease your pain. (YN) please don’t
torture me like this.”
And I
told him everything, I poured my heart out, baring myself to him. I shared my
pain, he took it with him with every kiss he planted on each one of my scars.
And when he'd done, he’d do it again until he took it all; my pain, my shame,
my insecurities. We didn’t have sex that night, we made love, it was the most
intimate I had ever been with a guy. He helped me to love myself. He promised I
wouldn’t have to cut again, he promised when life’s being hard on me he’d be
there to take away the pain. Pain didn’t have to be my only friend anymore. I
had him, and I certainly would choose him over the pain.
***
“They’re
beautiful. The reminder of how strong you are. The proof that even life’s as
hard as a rock you still can kick it in the groin.”
James’
voice brought me back to the now, I hadn’t notice that he had been watching me
the whole time. That word he said, he used to said that everyday since he
discovered about my addiction, he’d say that while kissing my scars. He would
constantly reminding me that I was beautiful, I was worth it, that I shouldn’t
be ashamed of my scars, that if anything those scars were the things that made
me, me. He hadn’t say that out loud for
a long time, but didn’t mean he stopped reminding me. Sometimes, he just needed
to speak to me through his eyes, or his touch. It would mean just as much as
spoken words.
It
was eight years ago, but tonight, the love that was burning in his eyes as he
took my arms and kissed on my scars, was the same love that was burning in his
eyes when he did that the very first time, not even slightly less, it was even
more.
And I
cried again, how could I be so lucky to have this incredible man as my husband.
I must had had done something noble in my previous life, that God rewarded me
with him.
James
saw me crying, he wiped the tears out of my cheek.
“What’s
wrong, love.” He frowned again, there was sorrow in his eyes and I hated that I
was the reason it was there.
“It’s
nothing, I’m just so grateful that I have you. All of this years, you’ve been
my rock, the only sturdy thing I leaned on. You never left me once, not even
when I freaked out when I found out I had Jacellyn, you assure me everything’s
going to be fine, and you made it fine for me James. You made it great, and I
never thanked you enough. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” I purging out
words, as tears streaming down my cheeks.
James
shut me with a kiss, a long hard passionate kiss, he didn’t even care about my
tears.
When
he pulled out we both grasping for air, but his forehead remained on mine, I
could feel his warm breath on my face as he spoke.
“I
love you (YN). I love you more today than yesterday, and I will love you even
more tomorrow.”
I
kissed him now, reflexing my emotion, my love, on the kiss. I needed to touch
him, feel him, assuring myself that this wasn’t a dream. That he was here with
me, giving me his love and taking my love in return. That night we made love
again as we did eight years ago.
Today
for the first time, I thanked God for saving me from that accident, I thanked
my cowardice on suicide. Because if either of that worked out. I wouldn’t be
here right now, in the arms of the love of my life, sharing a wonderful life,
having an amazing six year old daughter, and in await for our second child (a
boy, we’ve checked).
If
you ever feel life's being unfair to you, hang on there, it’s just working its
way up to you. Don’t give up, lean on to the people you love, and who love you.
Life gets better, make sure you’re there to see it.
***
