When This Is Over

I looked up at the sky as the rain falling to the ground. My mind drifted to the person once I shared it with. The person who’s going to leave me soon. The person that I fell in love with.

It’s like everybody left me these days. I wondered was it me the problem. Was I too clingy so people could not stay long around me? Was I too needy they felt sick because of me?

But I know I wasn’t the problem with him. He needed to leave. I understood his decision. I did.

I had sworn to myself that I would not fall in love with anyone. It didn’t worth it. The pain would crush me if not kill me. And I could not afford being thrown in to the same pit as I did before. But then he came. He turned my world upside down. He was sincere, he was sweet, he was beautiful how could I not fall in love with such a creature?

So I did.

At first, I told myself that this was a pretend, that none of this was real, I could come out of this without even a scratch. That was just some excuse my heart made to shut my brain up—my brain, the rational one—that was shouting warnings at me.  But even then he was able to shut that little rational part left of me. Didn’t I told you he turned my world upside down?

I remembered everything; how he made me laugh when I didn’t even want to smile, those silly fights we had and the made up and the made out that followed, how he called me beautiful even when I felt like a shit, how he accepted me the way I was, how he loved me when I didn’t even love myself.

I used to think that I was worthless. I didn’t deserve to be loved. I didn’t deserve to be happy. Then he came. He was just as insecure as I was. But with him I learned how to love myself, how to embrace the goods and the bads. He made me feel loved, he made me feel special. And I loved to know that I did the same to him. Together we changed each other to the better. We brought the best out of each other. We fit like two broken pieces; stronger when we were together, breaking when we were apart.

I wanted to make him laugh for the rest of the time, I wanted to hug him, tell him  I love him for the eternity but relationship had its expired date, and ours had finally came. The deadline’s hanging in the air, so close to reach, so far from being ready.

When you started a relationship, it’s shorta kinda becoming your habit. You couldn’t go to sleep before you get a goodnight text from him. Your day wouldn’t start before he said good morning. You were so used to his presence everyday, the affection was just getting stronger. And when it was all over, it was hurt. Because you can’t change your habit in an instant. They used to be everywhere but then they were nowhere. They’re gone. The thing you used to do stopped and what’s left? It’s hard to change a habit.

Suddenly, an intro from a song on the radio caught my attention. It was the song I’d been played a lot lately, the lyrics held a magnificent mean that just described how I felt about him. What I wished for him. So I turned up the volume, and I sang along.

I know he didn’t like music, but I hope he heard me right now, wherever he was, whatever he was doing, I hope my tremble voice reached him, and he knew how much I cared about him. He could feel me, he said once, I hope he felt me now.

Rascal Flatts- My Wish

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

I was sobbing by the end of the song, and my heart just ached so bad. They said time would heal the pain but what I wanted right now was just to yank my heart out and replace it with a new one. Anything, to free me from this  pain.

I wanted to call him, but I knew it wouldn’t change a thing. He was probably busy now, and I didn’t want to disturb him and bring all my pain to him. He didn’t deserve to be hurt.

So I took my pen, and started to write a poem for him. Because sometimes, writing sounds louder than speaking.

When this is over

I hope you’ll remember

How better we were together

Put it in a frame that will last forever

When this is over

I hope you’ll remember

How you used to call me boo

And how much I love you

When this is over

I hope you’ll keep me in your heart

Even though we’re so far apart

When this is over

And you look up at the sky

I hope you’ll remember me by

Put a smile on your face

Knowing I will follow your pace

And I wish you the best in life

When this is over

You know I’ll keep you close to my heart

You’ve came into my life and became its best part

I’ll put a bookmark in our chapter

So I can always remember

All the love and the laughter

Dear Sam

This is my goodbye 

But I’ll wait you for our next “Hi”

 

You Are The Music In Me

“What is your life’s soundtrack?”

We are laying on the grass, under a maple tree in my backyard. Our math books lay open beneath our feet, we’ve been studied for tomorrow’s test for like almost two hours and a half, before we decided to take a break. I turn to look at Max—my boyfriend—but he is looking up at the sky. I can only see one side of his face from my position, and man isn’t he beautiful. Afternoon’s sunlight that peeking through the leaves fall into his short dark-brown hair creating a halo around his head, he’s a perfect figure of an angel, if you ask me.

“What?” I bring my arm to prop my head up.

He turns to look at me, smiling.

“Your life’s soundtrack. Like a song that will be played when you do something. You know, like in the movie.”

I laugh.

“Where is this question coming from?”

“Nowhere, you know I’m bored here, and tired so just answer me.” He tries to be serious but a glint of humor in his eyes betrayed him.

“Well . . . whatever song I want?”

“Yeah . . . like when you walking down the street and have a song played behind you which everybody else can hear but nobody knows where it comes from.”

“That’s kinda creepy.”

“But could be fun.” He grins.

“Well . . . I don’t know. I think I kinda have song for everything.”

“What about now? What song will be played for now?”

“You ask me?” I lift one eyebrow at him, smirking.

“Yeah . . . what is your song for now?”

“I don’t know. A romantic one I guess. Mine by Taylor Swift, or Big Time Rush’s Nothing Even Matter. Either one of those.” I shrug.

“Hmm . . .” He nods.

“What? What is your song?”

Instead of answering me, he lifts one of his arms to prop his head up. His golden brown eyes staring at mine. I can see my reflection in them, and I looked mesmerized, hypnotized. His fingers run down through my cheek, to my jaw and stop at my lower lip. He strokes it gently, sending chill through my body. Two years dating and he still has that effect on me.

“You’re my song.” He says after forever. “You are the music in me.”

Now, if your oh-honest-to-goodness-so-perfect boyfriend says something that romantic to you, don’t you just wanna tackle him into the ground and kiss every inch of his face pasionately? I do. But I don’t do it, because that will be embarrassing. The tackle part I mean. Well of course he will like that. I’ve tackled him before, in a very different occasion, and more private place. But not in my backyard where my parents can suddenly walk in (or out) and catch us doing something that is not too... educational. I’m not gonna humiliate myself in front of my parents or him.

“Stop being so sweet.” I roll my eyes at him. That’s the only thing I can do to keep my body from tackling him, my lips from claiming his.

“I thought you like it when I’m being sweet.” He gives me his mischievous grin. The grin that most likely gets him what he wants.

“Yeah . . . but not here, right now.”

“Why? What’s wrong with right now in here? I thought this is a perfect moment.”

“You just always know what to say, don’t you?”

And suddenly he rolls us over until I lay looking up at him. I’m trapped between the grass and his big, muscular body. He uses both of his hands to prop his body from collapsing into mine.

“Oh no Max,” I squeak, trying to shove him away. Not that I don’t like this situation; believe me I do,  but I don’t want my parents to find us like this. Although they have been very open minded about our relationship—they don’t check up on me every second whenever Max’s visiting, they give us some privacy, even let him into my room as long as I left the door open. But I don’t know how they will react if they see us right now. What kind of study requires him being on top of me.

“My parents.” I try to look pass his shoulder to the back door, hoping my parents are too caught up on the afternoon news they forget to check on us.

“I don’t see them.” He whispers, I can feel his warm breath on my face. It’s such a turn on. But I push the wild imagination and my teen hormones away. One of us needs to be rational right now.

“They can come out anytime. They will ban you from the house if they see us like this.”

“They wont, they’re watching the news right now.” His lips are so close to mine.

“How can you know?”

“I can hear the tv.”

“You cant.”

“I can too.” His lips are brushing mine now, softly, temptingly.

“Mmh.” I purr and sigh at the same time. My body enjoys this, it relaxes immediately under his touch, his kiss. My jaw lifted, mouth opens asking for more. And he gives me more. My arms wrap around his neck, just where they usually belong. Then just like that I don’t care about my parents anymore. Right now, right here our bodies sing harmonies to melodies that echoing inside our heads. Our song, our music. Like he says, I’m the music in him, and he is in me.